


Ineffable Idiots

by Yaynelove



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Family Shenanigans, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2020-07-09 02:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yaynelove/pseuds/Yaynelove
Summary: A silly crossover where Lucifer reunites with his wayward brother Crowley while investigating a murder. Crowley wants nothing to do with his brother/former boss, but Lucifer wants to bond with his fellow fallen angel. Shenanigans ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

Chloe and Lucifer entered the high end bar in downtown LA. Police tape was tied around extravagant decorative pillars and lead them to a well stocked bar covered in blood. A dead body lay against the delicately polished wood, a large pool of blood formed under it.

‘Oh what a waste…’ Lucifer mooned.

‘Yeah, poor dude,’ Ella agreed. ‘When we went for an ID in his wallet, a family photo fell out. Wife and three young kids.’

‘No, not him, I mean the top shelf whisky that the bullet hit when it exited our victim,’ he gestured to the broken glass and pool of alcohol on the floor.

‘What do we have, Ella?’ Decker asked.

‘Victim is 22 year old Mike Weisser, was drinking here at the bar when someone walked by and shot him in the back, near his heart,’ she gestured to the entrance wound. ‘As Lucifer said, the bullet exited and hit the shelves. We were able to extract the bullet from the wall, but it was in fragments so its going to take a bit to analyze.’

‘Any witnesses?’

‘One, Dan is getting ready to interview him. They have him upstairs on the balcony,’ she gestured to a set of stairs leading to a second floor. ‘Kind weird guy, was wearing sunglasses inside. I have no idea how people who do that can see anything.’

The went up the stairs and found Dan getting ready with a pad and paper to take a statement.

‘Hey Dan, learn anything from our witness yet?’

‘A bit,’ he answered. ‘He was standing by the backdoor when the killer ran by him and made his escape. His name is Anthony Crowley and is in LA on vacation. Came in for a drink and wanted to be left alone and picked a dark corner. The crowd around the bar was too chaotic for any of them to get a good look but he saw the killer clearly slip out the back door.’

‘Where have I heard that name?’ Lucifer pondered. He then looked over to Decker approaching the witness and immediately got his answer.

‘Mr. Crowley, I’m Detective Decker and this is my associate Lucifer-’

She saw the blood drain from the witness’ face, a look of pure horror forming over his features. She couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses, but she could see he was looking behind her, and she turned to see a very happy looking Lucifer.

‘Hello, Crawly,’ Lucifer smirked. ‘Its been a while, brother.’

‘I’m not going back to Hell!’ He shouted as he bolted for the stairs and took them two at a time down.

‘Oh don’t run, we have a lot to catch up on!’ Lucifer followed close behind him.

‘Another brother of Lucifer’s?’ Dan moaned. ‘When are we ever done with his fucked up family?’

‘Both he and Amenadial mentioned having a lot of siblings,’ Chloe shrugged. ‘Lucifer, don’t compromise the crime scene!’

The officers on the scene felt like they were watching a cartoon chase as Crowley went for all the exits and found all of them were locked tight. Lucifer was close behind him and had to dodge a barrage of tables and chairs being flipped to slow him down. They ended at a pool table where they stood across from each other, waiting for the other to make his move.

‘You told me to leave Hell and I did!’ Crowley shouted. ‘I’m not going back!’

‘And you’re not listening to me,’ Lucifer shouted back. ‘I’m not going back to Hell either.’

‘What, so you’re going to kill me on earth?’ Crowley tried to move towards a window and Lucifer followed.

‘I don’t want to kill you.’

‘Then why are you here?!’

‘Why, I’m helping the LADP solve a murder, and you’re our witness.’

Crowley looked as confused as ever, quickly looking over at the police and Decker watching them from a distance. Lucifer took the chance and leaped over the pool table and tackled Crowley, bringing him to the ground and brought a length of thick rope around him. Crowley looked up and saw that he had taken a curtain tie back from one of the many windows and was securing it around him so he couldn’t move.

‘Lucifer, don’t you think the rope is a bit overkill?’ Chloe asked.

‘Trust me, Detective, this is a wily one. Meet my brother Crawly, the only demon to be officially kicked out of Hell for betraying me.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley learns that his former boss really isn't here to hurt him.

‘Lucifer, you can’t just tie up our witness,’ Chloe sighed.

‘If I hadn’t, he’d still be running,’ Lucifer justified himself.

‘Look, what is this all about?’ Crowley asked from where he sat on the floor. ‘Is this about Adam? What I did to Ligur? What happened at the airfield?’

‘I’m over all that,’ Lucifer said dismissively. ‘All in the past.’

‘Who told you where I was? Was it Hastur? Beelzebub? Zozo? It was Gabriel, wasn’t it?’

'I haven’t talked to Gabriel in millennia, I left that up to Beelzebub.’

‘Then why are you here on earth coming after me?’

‘I told you, I’m living here on earth and consulting the LAPD.’

Crowley leaned over to see around Lucifer to the officers standing behind him. He gave Decker an inquisitive look and she nodded at him. He looked at the other officers and they all gave their own affirmatives.

‘I can’t fucking believe this,’ Crowley slowly stood up and the ropes suddenly slid off him.

‘I guess it was a bad idea to tie up a snake. You are a wily one.’

‘And you’re not my boss anymore, so once I’m done here, you can stuff it.’

Lucifer just looked at him in utter awe as he walked past him back to the detectives. Dan did a very bad job of hiding his glee as he told Crowley to come with him to the station to record an official statement.

‘So… another brother?’ Chloe asked.

‘Yes, one of the younger ones, and the least predictable. And a little shit.’

‘You two can catch up after we get started on this case, right now we need to find a killer.’

‘Did you hear him? He told me to stuff it! That little brat!’

With Chloe driving, they arrived back at the precinct after Dan and Crowley and they were already recording a statement when they walked in. Lucifer settled with bitching about his family at Chloe as they watched from the two way mirror.

‘Out of all my siblings, I would think the one who followed me into Hell would have more respect,’ he huffed. ‘He’s even one of my most decorated followers, but no, he had to go and stab me in the back and now hes telling me to stuff it!’

‘Look, I don’t know what you two have been through, but we need him and his statement right now to find this killer,’ Chloe carefully explained.

‘What could he have seen, anyways? He has horrible eyesight!’

‘Wait, you didn’t actually see the killer?’ they heard Dan say to Crowley.

‘No, I got terrible eyes. That’s the reason why I need the glasses, they’re all screwed up. I do have a sharp sense of smell, though.’

Dan sighed audibly, ‘Okay, what did he smell like?’

‘Hes half lying,’ Lucifer commented. ‘He does have bad eyesight, but the glasses aren’t for that. When he fell, dear old dad decided to curse him by turning him into a snake. He can take a human-like form now, but his senses stay the same, and his eyes stay… snaky.’

‘So wait, you were being literal when you called him a snake before?’ Chloe tried to clarify.

‘Yes. Specifically, the snake that convinced Eve to eat the apple.’

‘I thought that was supposed to be you?’

‘Not really, I just told him to go cause some trouble, maybe screw around with that stupid ‘Tree of Knowledge’ dad planted in that stupid garden.’

They turned back to the interview with Dan having a hard time taking Crowley seriously.

‘Look, a meth lab has a very distinctive smell, and lets say I’ve spent time in areas that housed a few,’ Crowley explained. ‘Phosphorus, hydriodic acid, cough syrup, basic ingredients and the man reeked of them. Now unless he was just an amateur alchemist with a head cold, your victim was caught up in some serious drugs.’

‘Alright, so you picked up on the smell of meth making ingredients,’ Dan reiterated. ‘Anything else?’

Crowley thought for a minute. ‘I could smell a bit of cologne. It was too faint for him to be wearing it, so he must have spent an extended amount of time with someone else wearing it.’

‘Would you be able to recognize it out of a line of other similar colognes?’

‘Yeah, it smelled bloody awful. Whoever was wearing it cared more about the name on the bottle than the smell.’

‘Wow, if Crowley is being honest, then he’s giving us a lot of great details,’ Chloe said.

‘Hes still a little shit,’ Lucifer mumbled.

After the interview Crowley tried to sneak out of the precinct without Lucifer seeing, but at the last second Lucifer grabbed him from behind and dragged him back inside.

‘You’re not getting away that easy!’ Lucifer yelled as he put his arm around his neck and held him in place.

‘Lucifer, just leave him alone, we have work to do!’ Chloe tried to break up the fight.

‘Let me go! I don’t serve you anymore!’ Crowley struggled to groan out.

‘But I want to catch up, brother, especially after our last meeting!’

‘Let me go you giant twat!’

‘They remind me of my brothers,’ Ella sighed as she joined the other officers watching them fight.

‘For once I’m happy I’m an only child,’ Chloe commented as she backed off, waiting for the dust to settle before chewing Lucifer out.

‘Oooh, whats that?’ Lucifer caught a glint of something gold on Crowley’s finger. He let go of his neck and slipped the ring from his finger while he was caught off guard.

‘Give that back!’ Crowley shouted as he lunged at Lucifer, but Lucifer gripped Crowley’s hair and kept him at arms length.

‘This is a wedding ring, isn’t it? Did you get married?’

‘No! I bought it at a shop in Rome, I just like it!’

‘My ancient language skills aren’t the strongest, but I think I see the phrase ‘I Love You’ written in several of them. Is that Sanskrit?’

‘Give it back!’

‘If its just a random ring, then why are you freaking out over it-’ and Lucifer yelled in pain as Crowley freed himself from Lucifer’s grip and bit down on his hand, hard. ‘You bit me! You bloody bit me!’

‘You had it coming,’ Crowley picked up the ring from where Lucifer dropped it and replaced it on his hand.

‘I have a first aid kit in my lab,’ Ella announced as she took Lucifer by his injured hand and led him into her workspace, Chloe, Dan, and even Crowley following behind. ‘Wow, that is some gnarly bite you got there, Crowley. I would hate to be your dentist.’

Ella looked over the bite, most of which was two large holes where she guessed his unusually large canines sunk in. If she didn’t know better, it looked like a very large snake had bitten him. She looked up at Crowley and saw a look of satisfaction.

‘Do we have anymore information on our vic, Ella?’ Decker asked as she watched her clean the wound and disinfect it.

‘Oh, yeah, an officer talked to his wife and we got more basic information. Turns out, Weisser was working as an intern for a political campaign, and as far as we know has no history of causing trouble. Not even a parking ticket.’

‘Maybe his killer was part of the campaign,’ Dan suggested. ‘If Crowley is right about the killer smelling like a meth lab, then maybe the killer worked for the campaign and used it to launder drug money.’

‘And Weisser could have found out about it and was taken out before he could talk to the police.

‘Well, who is the campaign for?’ Lucifer asked as Ella finished taping the gaze in place over his wound. ‘We can see if any of the higher staff have any connection to drugs in the city.’

‘He was working for Thaddeus Dowling’s campaign for California Governor.’


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley doesn't want anything to do with his brother but keeps getting roped into shenanigans.

‘Did you just say ‘Thaddeus Dowling’?’ Crowley asked in shock.

“Yeah, he’s running for Governor,’ Ella confirmed.

‘Lucifer, the dead bloke worked for Thaddeus Dowling,’ Crowley hissed at Lucifer and smacked his arm.

‘Yes, and?’ he looked at his brother incredulously.

‘Former Ambassador to the UK Thaddeus Dowling?’

Lucifer continued to give him a blank look.

‘Father of Warlock Dowling?’ Crowley hissed too low for the others to hear.

Lucifer look at Crowley and then at the computer screen where Ella had brought up a picture of the politician and his family. A look of realization came over Lucifer’s face when the pieces finally fell in place.

‘Are you two… familiar with Mr. Dowling?’ Chloe asked them.

‘Well…’ Crowley began, but didn’t know where to go. He couldn’t just come out and say ‘Lucifer tried to start the apocalypse by switching the son of a diplomat with his own Hell spawn but it got fucked up and they accidentally switched the wrong babies and the wrong kid was groomed to rule the world for 11 years’.

‘I, uh…’ Lucifer froze up. ‘Before I left hell… Before Lux, I was… uh…’

‘We had a… thing… happening in England…’ Crowley tried to help.

‘And that… thing…’

‘It sort of involved the Dowlings, but not what you think.’

‘Could it be directly related to this case?’ Chloe asked.

‘No, it had nothing to do with drugs,’ Crowley clarified.

‘Were you doing something illegal?’

‘Um…’ Crowley figured that even though they didn’t do the actual baby switching, Lucifer did organize the whole thing, and Crowley was an accessory.

‘I had Crowley spy on the Dowlings,’ Lucifer confessed.

‘Why were you spying on an American diplomat?’ Dan forced himself to ask, not sure if he wanted an answer at all.

‘There was a thing I wanted to keep an eye on with them,’ Lucifer tried to explain. ‘But it wasn’t political, it was more… personal.’

‘Alright, so you spied on the Dowlings,’ Chloe stated. ‘And it wasn’t related to American politics or this case?’

‘Yes, exactly,’ Crowley confirmed.

‘How did you do this and what do you know that can help the case?’

‘I worked as a nanny to their son, Warlock. I mostly dealt with him but I got to know the parents as well. Mr. Dowling was married to his job and Mrs. Dowling had to deal with him turning everything into something work related.’

‘Like turning his sons 20th birthday party into a campaign party?’ Ella spoke up. Everyone looked over to her and saw she had pulled up the twitter account for Mr. Dowling’s campaign. The most recent tweet was announcing Warlock’s 20th birthday party and showed that several other politicians with kids his age were invited too.

‘Is he really 20 already? I remember teaching him to ride a tricycle.’

‘Do you think you could get an invitation to the party?’ Chloe asked him. ‘Maybe with a plus one so an officer could come with you.’

‘Possibly. Warlock probably hates the fact that his dad is using his birthday to gain supporters. If he remembers me fondly, he might ask that I come.’

‘His website has a number that goes to his office,’ Ella showed them. ‘Give them a call and see what we can do.’

‘Lets hope they remember me,’ Crowley pulled out his phone and dialed the number on the website. It rang a few times before a young woman answered.

‘Dowling Campaign Office, how can we help you?’

‘Hello darling, I’m calling to see if I could have a word with Mr. Dowling,’ Crowley said in a soft, feminine voice. ‘My name is Ms. Ashtoreth, I used to nanny for his son, Warlock. I’m visiting the area and looking to see if I could wish master Warlock a happy birthday.’

‘Alright, hold for just a minute.’ There was a click and some generic hold music came on.

‘Um… so… Ms. Ashtoreth?’ Dan asked awkwardly.

‘Sometimes I like to switch things up,’ Crowley waved off.

‘I have a cousin like that!’ Ella blurted. ‘Sometimes she feels like Maria, sometimes he feels like Markus.’

‘Something like that.’

The hold music suddenly stopped and the womans voice came back. ‘Mr. Dowling would love to speak with you. I’m transferring you over to his private line.’

There was another click and the line picked back up. ‘Ms. Ashteroth? This is Thaddeus Dowling.’

‘Hello Mr. Dowling, how are you today?’

While Crowley and Dowling were exchanging pleasantries, the others whispered a plan of action.

‘I can go with him as a relative,’ Chloe put forward. ‘We talk with Dowling and anyone else there on his staff and see if Crowley recognizes that cologne.’

‘Hes my actual brother, why can’t I go?’ Lucifer sounded annoyed.

‘We leave you two alone for five seconds and you’re at each others throats,’ Dan explained. ‘This way we don’t risk an all out wrestling match breaking out and crashing the party.’

‘Warlock would probably enjoy that happening,’ Crowley whispered with his hand over his phone. ‘I was at his 11th birthday and it ended with a food fight.’

‘So, are you free this Saturday?’ Dowling asked through the phone.

‘Oh yes, sir, all day,’ Crowley responded in his feminine voice.

‘Then why don’t you join us at the party, I’m sure you would love to catch up with the kid. And bring a friend if you like, the more the merrier!’

‘That would be fantastic, thank you so much for the invitation.’ He ended the call and looked up at the others, ‘Dowling would do anything to secure more voters.’

‘So I’m going with you as your cousin,’ Chloe explained. ‘We can work up a list of suspects after we talk to the guests.’

‘It would be better if you were my niece,’ Crowley suggested. ‘They remember Ms. Ashteroth as an older lady and that was over ten years ago.’

‘Until Saturday, we can look more into what Weisser’s job duties were at the Campaign and if anyone he worked for had any drug connections. Check out his accounts for any unusual deposits, talk to his wife again about his work.’

‘And since I’m not an officer, I’m heading out,’ Crowley jumped up and went for the door, but Lucifer cut him off.

‘We’re not done here yet, brother,’ he smiled.

‘Yes we are,’ Crowley quickly stepped around him and slipped through the door before Lucifer could force it back shut. Lucifer went out after him.

‘Come on, we both live on earth now, why not catch up? Have a drink?’

‘I’ve got plans!’ Crowley shouted back at him.

‘Are they with whoever has the matching ring to yours?’

‘That’s none of your business.’

‘You maimed me, the least you could do is talk to me.’

‘You had that bite coming.’

‘At least come by my nightclub, its called Lux! You can drink free!’

Crowley finally slipped through the front entrance of the station. Lucifer finally turned back around and rejoined Chloe and the others.

‘How am I surprised that a relative of your can’t wait to get away from you?’ Dan laughed.

‘He’s just scared because I tried to kill him a few years ago. I’ll convince him one of these days I’m not going to try that again.’

‘My brother tried to drown me once,’ Ella said. ‘Held me underwater after I stole his swim goggles. Refused to go back in the water with him for years, not until I was big enough to hold him under.’

‘Maybe give him some time,’ Chloe suggested. ‘He’ll see in time that you’re not looking to hurt him.’

‘Or maybe I can take his phone number from his witness statement and send him pictures of Lux to convince him to come over and party.’

‘Or maybe not listen to me and do what you always do.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe and Crowley have some alone time.

‘Can you believe he hasn’t responded to a single text?’ Lucifer complained to Chloe, who was elbow deep in case files.

‘Who, Crowley?’ She asked, only half interested.

‘Yes! I’ve sent him tons of pictures of Lux and none of them seem to interest him in coming over. See, here’s a picture of me and the dancers,’ he leaned over from his chair next to hers to shove his phone in her face and show a picture of him standing with several scantily clad women all dressed in devil horns and black angel wings. ‘I also sent him one with the Brittanys,’ he swiped to the next picture and there were several attractive women in tiny cocktail dresses holding giant drinks. ‘I even sent him some pictures from Pride night, in case that was more his thing,’ and finally there was a picture of him with several other men dressed in various rainbow colored clothing.

‘Maybe nightclubs just aren’t his thing,’ Chloe suggested while pushing Lucifer’s phone away from her face.

‘Hes a demon, and my brother, of course he would love nightclubs.’

‘Maybe you should just wait for him to get used to the idea that you’re living on earth as well and maybe he’ll warm up to spending time with you.’

‘That will take far too long. You’re going to be spending a lot of time with him Saturday, right? Convince him to talk to me already!’

‘I’m not going to force your brother to talk to you. Your issues are between you two.’

‘Oh come on, Detective. I actually want to build a relationship with my brother and you don’t want to help me? That’s cruel.’

‘Fine,’ she let out a very exasperated sigh. ‘I’ll talk to him Saturday, but no promises.’

‘Thank you, Decker, you are a peach.’

When Saturday night came, Chloe wasn’t sure what to expect. Crowley said that he had a car and could drive them to the party, which resulted in Chloe waiting by the front door for her escort. Trixie was with Dan that weekend and Maze was off hunting down some bounty up north, so the apartment was surprisingly quiet. She heard a car pull up outside blasting come music that cut out a moment before there was a knock at the door. When she opened it, she had to immediately stifle a laugh when she saw Crowley’s disguise.

‘Oh please, I make this look nice,’ Crowley huffed.

‘I’m sorry, it’s not because you’re dressed as a woman,’ Chloe tried to keep herself from giggling. ‘I’m laughing because you actually look like my great aunt Peggy.’

Crowley had traded in his skinny jeans and blazer for a pea coat and long, matronly dress. His hair was somehow much longer than just a few days before and was done up under a felt hat. All Chloe needed was to trade her own blazer and dress pants for her childhood church dress and she would be ready for Easter mass with Auntie Peggy.

‘I had no idea how to be a nanny and all I had to work with was Mary Poppins. Americans love their English Nannies.’

Crowley lead her outside to his parked car and she gaped at the antique car.

‘This is your car?’ She slowly walked around the outside.

‘Yes, and I can barely take it out in this area without finding at least three humans taking selfies on the hood. Regret ever starting that trend…’

After a moment of confusion where Chloe could not figure out which side was the passenger side, they started off towards the party. For a while they didn’t speak, just letting the music play on the CD player. Chloe played with her clutch holding her badge, not sure what to say to this new relative of Lucifer’s.

‘So… you’re Lucifer’s brother, right?’ Chloe finally asked.

‘Yes, you can say that,’ Crowley said shortly.

‘So you’re also Amenadial’s brother then?’

‘You know Amenadial?’ Crowley almost served into the other lane in shock. He swerved back and Chloe had to take a second to calm down.

‘Yeah, hes been spending some time here.’

‘Why is it suddenly now everyone is flying the coop?’ Crowley mumbled. ‘Yeah, Amenadial is my brother too, but I haven’t seen him in a very long time.’

They settled back into a slightly uncomfortable silence, Crowley making little effort to talk and Chloe wracking her brain trying to get a read on him.

‘I know what you and Lucifer really are.’

Crowley raised one eyebrow. ‘Really?’

‘He told me. Well, he tells everyone, but no one believes him. I didn’t believe him either until I saw his wings and his true face.’

‘Congrats on not becoming a raving lunatic in a straight jacket. When people see my face they usually faint immediately.’

‘He mentioned you were from Hell, like him. So you’re a fallen angel?’

The engine started to roar louder as it sped up at the question. ‘Yes. I fell not long after Lucifer.’

Chloe looked up at the odometer and finally saw how fast they were going. ‘Oh for the love of- you drive just like your brother.’

‘He drives like me, I learned to drive before he did.’

‘You’ve been living on earth longer than he has?’

‘A lot longer. Since it’s creation.’

Chloe paused, letting that information sink in.

‘Why did you decide to live here instead of Hell?’

This was Crowley’s turn to pause. The engine quieted as he absent mindlessly let up on the gas.

‘Earth always had a lot more going for it than Hell.’

His gold ring glinted in the moonlight and she started to understand what that meant.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party gets lit

They pulled up to massive gaudy mansion which the Dowlings currently called home. Valets were taking keys from anyone who didn’t bring a chauffeur which didn’t go over well when they tried to collect Crowley’s keys from him. One whispered threat and an unseen glare later and he finally gave them over to the now terrified valet.

‘I think that was a bit much,’ Chloe commented.

‘I don’t like other people driving my car,’ Crowley gritted his teeth as he pulled a large wrapped present from the backseat of the car. They approached the front doors and were greeted by a doorman.

‘Names?’ he asked as he held up a guest list.

‘Ashtoreth, plus one,’ Crowley switched to his soft old lady voice. The doorman checked them off and let them inside. Most of the other guests had already arrived and the rooms were full of important people having drinks and talking about whatever politicians talk about at parties. Crowley dropped the present at a table covered in boring looking gifts.

‘Let’s start with Mr. Dowling and work our way around from there,’ Chloe suggested. Crowley craned his neck and looked around the crowd for the politician, his height and heels giving him a good vantage point.

‘Over there, probably on his third glass of wine,’ Crowley lead Chloe through the crowd until they made it over to the birthday boy’s father. ‘Good evening, Mr. Dowling.’

‘Nanny Ashtoreth! So nice to see you!’ He bellowed, handing his wine glass to Mrs. Dowling so he could give Ashtoreth a bear hug. Crowley tensed up and tried to subtly worm his way out of his grasp.

‘Honey, you might be crushing her,’ Mrs. Dowling pulled him off and had a server take away their drinks. She turned back to Crowley and gave him a gentle hug. ‘It’s nice to see you, Warlock was very happy to hear you were coming.’

‘I’m glad, I can’t wait to see him again. And let me introduce you to my niece, Chloe,’ Crowley gestured to his undercover partner who shook hands with them.

Chloe immediately started to talk with the guests, learning who was working on the campaign and how they knew the victim. After a while she realized that Crowley wasn’t with her and she was forced to go look for him.

‘Please tell me he’s not doing something Lucifer would do…’ she mumbled to herself as she sneaked through the empty rooms looking for him. She followed the sound of clacking heels on the floor and eventually found him wandering through a deserted hallway.

‘What are you doing?’ She asked.

‘I’m looking for Warlock, he wasn’t anywhere at the party,’ he explained.

‘I get you care for him and want to catch up, but we’re also here on a mission and I need you to help me identify anyone suspicious at the party, like anyone who smells like that cologne.’

‘Dowling was wearing it, so the killer was with him right before the murder. Now, I think I’m getting close,’ Crowley walked to a door and slowly opened it. Chloe walked up beside him and saw that it was a large linen closet with a window. At the window was a young man lowering a rope outside, the other end tied to a large exposed pipe.

‘And what do we have here?’ Crowley laughed as Warlock quickly turned around, looking terrified.

‘I wasn’t doing anything, I swear!’ he yelled as he tried to stand in front of the rope. ‘Nanny?’

‘Master Warlock, nice to see you again.’

‘Oh thank God you’re here,’ he ran up to him and gave him a hug. ‘I don’t know anyone here, my dad invited his friends and their asshole kids.’

‘Well that’s a shame, a young mans birthday should be about him,’ Crowley sighed.

‘Hey, are you helping me up or not?!’ a voice yelled from the open window. Warlock quickly let go of Crowley and ran over to the window to pull someone up. Another young man covered in twigs and leaves tumbled through the window to the floor.

‘This is a friend of mine, my dad didn’t let me officially invite him because hes a ‘troublemaker’, so we decided to sneak in,’ Warlock pulled his friend up and started pulling leaves out of his hair. ‘Adam, this is my nanny from when I was a kid, Nanny Ashtoreth, and her friend…?’

‘My niece, Chloe.’

The young man brushed his long blond hair out of his eyes. He looked up at Crowley and Chloe and had to choke back a laugh. ‘Nice to meet you, Ashtoreth.’

Chloe saw Crowley stiffen, then relax. ‘Nice to meet you, Adam.’

‘It’s his birthday too, and since hes so far from his family I figured I could share some of my party with him.’

‘I’m looking forward to getting some rich people food,’ Adam laughed. ‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ he leaned back to the open window and called out, ‘Dog, stay down there out of sight, I’ll be out in a bit.’

‘Maybe we should get back to the party before anyone notices we’re missing,’ Chloe shifted on her feet nervously.

‘I could stay out of the party the whole night and no one would notice until they brought out the cake,’ Warlock scoffed, but still started to walk back towards the guests. Chloe started to follow him but stopped when she heard some harsh whispering. She turned and saw Crowley and Adam having a heated conversation, Adam looking very amused while Crowley gripped his arm.

‘What are you doing?’ she whispered to Crowley and he released the young mans arm. Adam smiled and jogged to catch up to Warlock.

‘I know him,’ Crowley said cryptically. There was a beat between them as Chloe waited to him to elaborate, but he never did.

‘How do you know him? What’s going on?’

‘It’s complicated.’

She realized that she wasn’t going to get much more out of him and had to accept that anyone related to Lucifer had their secrets. They arrived back at the party just in time for the cake to come out. It was gigantic with fondant sculptures of the Dowlings on top with the campaign logo on the side. There was also the logo for UCLA and some fondant books, to squeeze in something related to Warlock. Pieces were cut and passed out by servers to guests.

‘Could you wrap this up for me? We’ll be leaving soon,’ Crowley told a server and handed his cake to them. ‘And have the valet bring my car around.’

‘We are?’ Chloe asked.

‘Once Warlock has opened my gift.’

‘… Oh no.’

Chloe had a feeling that Crowley was more like his brother than she realized. This was proven once Warlock started to unwrap his gifts, the first few being boring things like Burberry ties and fancy cuff links. He looked bored until he saw the large colorful box Crowley brought in and decided that one probably had something fun in it. Crowley started to slowly walk backwards towards the front door while also tugging Chloe with him.

‘Crowley, what’s about to happen?’ Chloe asks him nervously.

‘I thought Warlock might want to have some actual fun on his birthday,’ Crowley chuckled.

‘What is that?’ They could hear Mrs. Dowling asking. ‘Is that a nerf gun?’

A pillar of fire erupted from where Warlock was standing and the crowd yelped in surprise, Warlock laughing at his new toy. The flames hit a curtain and it caught fire, setting off the sprinklers. The crowd got soaked as Crowley and Chloe ran through the front door down to where his car was idling.

‘What did you buy him?!’ Chloe yelled at him.

‘That flamethrower Elon Musk started selling,’ Crowley laughed. ‘I thought it would liven the party!’

‘You are exactly like Lucifer!’


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe and Crowley talk on the way back.

The car ride back started like the one there, sitting in silence. Chloe thought about the things Warlock said at the party, how he didn’t know anyone on the invite list, how no one would notice him running off, and how he laughed as he set the curtains on fire. That wasn’t the laugh of a pyromaniac, that was someone who was having a miserable night and finally found some fun.

‘You got to ask some questions on the way there,’ Crowley suddenly said. ‘I want to ask some on the way back.’

‘Um, sure. Shoot,’ Chloe responded

‘How did you and Lucifer meet?’

Chloe took a moment to remember back when she and Lucifer were still strangers, before everything they went through together. ‘We met on a case. His friend Delilah was gunned down and he was a witness. The rest of the LAPD chalked it up to her being tied in up drugs but I didn’t believe it and neither did he. We found her killer and he became a civilian consultant so we could work together on cases.’

She could see Crowley’s grip on the steering wheel tighten as he thought. ‘What is he like?’

‘He’s your brother, shouldn’t you know?’

‘I’ve been living up here full time for the last 6,000 years, you lose contact after a while. Anyways, I always worked through Beelzebub so even when I was in Hell I never saw him.’

‘He’s…’ she wasn’t sure how to describe him in just a sentence or two. ‘He is one of the most selfish and self centered men I have ever met, and I’ve been through a divorce with someone who put work over his family. He has no shame and says and does everything that first pops into his head.’

‘But… Under all that, I can see someone who cares about the people around him. He isn’t someone who would readily admit that, or really knows how to show it, but he tries to be good to the people he likes.’

Crowley started to tap his fingers against the steering wheel.

‘Are you still worried that hes going to take you back to Hell?’

‘A little. I did betray him and he doesn’t take that lightly. I managed to escape my punishment at the time, but I’ve always felt like a second try wasn’t too far off.’

‘I can tell you that the last place Lucifer ever wants to go is Hell. Amenadial tried to drag him back and he ended up living here with us.’

‘And I was the weird one for living here, now Lucifer is making it look trendy.’

Chloe let out a big sigh. ‘Lucifer ask me to convince you to talk to him. I’m not going to tell you to do one thing or another, but I do think that Lucifer wants to bond. He’s been living on earth for a few years and he seems to love it, and maybe he now understands why you decided to stay out of Hell all these millennia.’

Crowley stared at the dark road ahead. Chloe noticed that he was playing with his ring, his thumb rubbing the inscriptions engraved in the gold.

‘When did you find out he was really Satan?’

‘Only a few weeks ago. I spent months trying to figure out why he would always insist he was actually the devil. Even Amenadial tried to cover it up by telling me his story was a coping mechanism for a traumatic childhood. Then one day I saw his wings and his… ‘devil face’, and I finally realized that he was telling the truth.’

‘Did that change the way you saw the good under the bad?’

Chloe realized she was picking at her nails. ‘No. Yes. I don’t know. Seeing his face changed everything for me. Before he was just some weirdo, but now hes the actual devil.’

‘Did it make you reevaluate all the good things he did before?’

‘… Yeah… It makes me wonder why someone said to be so evil took an ax to the shoulder for me.’

She looked at Crowley and tried to read his face but his face was stone. He was like the antithesis of Lucifer, where his brother was loud and attention seeking while this man worked to keep others from seeing him. He was both just like his brother, and nothing like him. She hardly noticed when he finally slowed down and parked outside of her place.

‘Thank you for helping us in the case like this,’ Chloe smiled at him as she got out of the car.

‘It’s nothing,’ Crowley waved her off, hardly even looking at her.

She was about to close the door, but stopped herself at the last second. ‘When Lucifer tied you up, you asked ‘Is this about Adam?’. Were you referring to the Adam we met at the party?’

Crowley went completely silent, staring intently at Chloe as she stood there with her hand on the door.

‘Ten years ago I betrayed Lucifer. He set a plan in motion and I helped thwart it. I think that if you had to hear the details of what happened from anyone, it should be from him.’

Chloe silently nodded and closed the door. Crowley raced off into the night, leaving her wondering what to think of him, of what he said.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer continues to act like an older brother

‘I see things got interesting at the party Saturday,’ Dan said as he tossed a newspaper onto Chloe’s desk. The headline read ‘Accidental Fire at Politicians Home’.

‘Turns out, Crowley is a bit more like Lucifer than we think,’ Chloe sighed. ‘But we did learn that the cologne he smelled on the killer belongs to Mr. Dowling.’

‘How was the party?’ Lucifer jogged down the precinct stairs and went straight to Chloe’s desk. ‘Hear any good gossip? Did Crowley stir things up? He’s always the best at parties, really knows how to liven the mood.’

‘He gave Warlock a flame thrower and nearly burned down his house,’ Chloe almost glared at him. ‘But we did gather some good information. I was about to invite him over so we could go over all the information we have so far.’

‘Oh, let me call him, but on your phone,’ Lucifer started to reach for Chloe’s phone but she snatched it away before he could grab it.

‘Why do you need my phone? You have your own.’

‘He doesn’t pick up when I call from my number; if I call from yours he might actually answer.’

Chloe took a second to think it over, then handed the phone over. ‘Don’t download anything or go on any sites.’

Lucifer smiled as he took the phone out to an empty hallway and dialed Crowley’s number.

‘If this is a telemarketer, stop calling me or I’m going to make your office locust city.’

‘Brother! Don’t hang up, just calling to invite you down to the precinct to go over the case.’

Lucifer could hear whispering on Crowley’s end, some kind of argument but he couldn’t make out the words.

‘Are you alone?’ Crowley suddenly came back to the call.

‘Yeah, I’m alone.’

‘Hold the phone out away from you.’

Lucifer did as he was told, feeling very confused. He felt the phone start to shake and the next moment his brother materialized next to him.

‘Where did you learn to do that?’ Lucifer gasped. He began to brainstorm ideas, all the possibilities.

‘Had to do some quick thinking when Hastur came to drag me to Hell,’ Crowley smoothed out his jacket. ‘Managed to trap him inside my ansaphone, though a bloody telemarketer let him out.’

Chloe was surprised when Lucifer came back with Crowley in tow. ‘How did you get here so fast?’

‘I was in the neighborhood, popped in when Luce called,’ Crowley shrugged. He followed them back to Ella’s lab where she had the case files stacked on the metal table.

‘Hey guys, you get any good info at the party? I mean, before the house almost burned down,’ Ella laughed. ‘Whoever bought that kid a flamethrower is crazy.’

‘No party is complete without a little property damage,’ Crowley smiled. ‘But I did learn that the cologne I smelled on the killer came from Mr. Dowling himself, so he was with him right before the murder.’

‘So Dowling must be in on it,’ Dan put out. ‘Probably ordered the killing to cover up the drug business.’

‘Dowling is too dull to be the mastermind of anything,’ Crowley explained. ‘If he was in on it, the public would already know about the whole thing. He’s such a bad liar I’m baffled he’s made it this far as a politician.’

‘So his underling’s is using the campaign for their own agenda,’ Dan course corrected. ‘They know hes not very smart and can get away with using his campaign for their own gain.’

‘And Weisser gained a lot from it,’ Ella added. ‘Kid was only 22 and already had 3 kids. Was working 2 or 3 jobs before he landed this internship, then he was suddenly earning enough to support the whole family. Now I don’t know much about campaign internships, but when I was an intern I had a hard time supporting myself on an all ramen diet. I still can’t look at blocks of noodles without gagging.’

‘So Weisser must have done something to put a target on his back,’ Chloe theorized. ‘Got cold feet, got greedy, did something that made whoever running the operation mad and was killed. We need to find out who was with Mr. Dowling that night and hone in on them.’

‘We can do interviews with the campaign workers and see if they had a meeting or dinner that night,’ Dan suggested. ‘Get a list of everyone there.’

‘We need to be careful, we don’t know how big the operation is. We ask too many questions and we might scare them.’

‘Do I hear the words ‘Another Covert Mission’ coming?’ Lucifer asked after being too quiet for too long. As far as Chloe could tell, he was too absorbed in his phone to pay them any mind.

‘Maybe, if we can get another invite to an event,’ Chloe turned to Crowley.

‘I’ll see what I can do,’ Crowley shrugged.

‘Why does he get to go on all the missions?’ Lucifer complained. ‘I’m the civilian consultant, I should go on the next one.’

‘I don’t know how well you would blend with the political crowd,’ Chloe brought up. ‘You’re good with celebrities and criminals, but these are the people who carefully chose who they are seen with and you’re a bit… Infamous.’

‘And I also just became one of their top donors,’ he showed the others his phone. He had the Dowling’s campaign page up showing his donation of several figures. ‘Money speaks loudest in politics.’

‘We might still need Crowley there to sniff out the killer, quite literally.’

‘I can talk to Warlock and see if he can get me into the next event,’ Crowley pulled out his phone and started to text somebody. ‘And I might have a few friends in the area who also have some sway in politics.’

‘Who do you know in LA?” Lucifer asked him.

‘I actually have friends, believe it or not.’

‘You obviously have one with a matching gold ring, and someone you’re texting right now, or are they the same person?’ Lucifer leaned over Crowley’s shoulder to spy on his phone as Crowley hid his phone against his chest.

‘Bugger off or I’ll bite you again,’ Crowley growled. Lucifer managed to sneak his hand under Crowley’s cupped hands and slid his phone away from him.

‘Who is ‘Angel’?’ Lucifer asked as he jumped away from his brother and started reading his texts.

‘Give it back!’ Crowley yelled as he bared his teeth.

‘Sounds like a stripper name, but they text like an old man. Who uses perfect punctuation in texts?’

‘Stop reading my texts!’ Crowley jumped on Lucifer’s back and tried to wrestle the phone away from him. Ella carefully moved any glass containers a safe distance away from them as they fought. Dan silently rooted for Crowley to start biting again.

‘Stop fighting,’ Chloe ordered them. ‘Lucifer, him back his phone, he deserves his privacy.’

‘There’s no such thing as privacy when you have siblings,’ Ella explained. ‘I had to keep my locked diary in my desk drawer with two false bottoms to keep my brothers from reading it to their friends.

It took Crowley almost clawing Lucifer’s eyes to get him to give up the phone. ‘If you don’t mind, I have things to do besides this,’ Crowley smoothed his hair back into place. ‘Call or text me when you have a plan, I can see how I can help.’

‘We’ll keep you in touch,’ Chloe waved as he left. ‘Lucifer, you really need to stop torturing him like that.’

‘Detective, he is my younger brother and he’s keeping secrets. It’s my job as an older brother to find out what hes doing,’ Lucifer explained as he put himself back into order. ‘And from what I gather, he and ‘Angel’ are having sushi tonight at a place just down the street from Lux.’


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A much anticipated meeting

‘Okay, what is so important that you asked me to meet you here?’ Amenadial asked Lucifer as he met him in front of a five star Japanese restaurant.

‘We are investigating a case of the utmost importance,’ Lucifer explained. ‘We are here to meet our new in-law.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I ran into our dear brother Crawly recently and he was wearing a gold wedding ring. Now he’s been denying that he’s married, so I took it upon myself to discover why he refuses to tell me who he married.’

‘Maybe he’s not telling you because he’s terrified of introducing his spouse to Satan himself.’

‘Oh please, if they were willing to marry a demon then they should be okay with meeting his brother.’

Amenadial sighed and shook his head. ‘Fine, I’ll come with you, but only because I know that if I don’t go you two will cause a huge scene.’

‘Wonderful, now,’ Lucifer turned around and started to walk to the restaurant, ‘I know they were planning to have dinner here tonight and a little bit ago I saw a valet driving Crawly’s car to the lot so they must be here.’

‘How do you know it’s his car?’

‘Only a celestial being could keep a 1927 Bentley in perfect condition after 90 years. It had ‘Demonic Miracles’ written all over it’s scratch free paint.’

They walked into the restaurant and Lucifer gave the attractive hostess a smile. ‘Hello, I’m meeting a friend who should be here already. Have you seen a tall man with red hair wearing sunglasses?’

‘Oh yes, he and his date are sitting in a booth near the sushi bar, towards the back there,’ the hostess showed them.

‘Thank you, doll,’ Lucifer gave her a flirty look as Amenadial rolled his eyes. They quietly started walking towards the back and Lucifer quickly spotted the red haired demon. He stepped lightly up to the table, relying on his brothers poor eyesight and dark glasses to cover him.

‘Oh fuck,’ Crowley mumbled when he noticed him too late to make a dash for the door.

‘Brotheeeeer,’ Lucifer called out as he went to lean against his side of the booth, turning to finally see his date. He was shocked that instead seeing what he imagined his date to be, a young lady fitting the name ‘Angel’, he saw a white haired man in very dated clothing about to enjoy some sushi rolls.

‘Oh dear,’ the man said as he dropped his chopsticks.

‘Lucifer, please…’ Amenadial finally caught up. ‘Let them eat in peace- Aziraphale?’

‘Amenadial?’

‘Aziraphale? Guardian of the Eastern Gate?’

‘My god, thats why you call him ‘Angel’!’ Lucifer gasped. ‘You married a literal angel! A demon and an angel, married!’

‘Lucifer…’ Crowley started.

‘Now I get why you like earth so much, brother!’

‘’Brother’?’ Aziraphale looked over to Crowley. ‘Why is he calling you ‘brother’?’

‘Well, he’s my brother,’ Lucifer explained. ‘I used to be an archangel like Amenadial here, and so was he. I’m sure you call other angels in your hierarchy ‘brother’.

‘You never told me you were an archangel,’ Aziraphale looked hurt.

‘I’ve not told anyone,’ Crowley mumbled. ‘Only Lucifer and a few others know.’

‘Lucy, we need to leave them alone,’ Amenadial grabbed Lucifer by his sleeve and started to drag him away. ‘You’ve created enough drama for today.’

‘You need to tell me everything!’ Lucifer called back to them. ‘Come by Lux, angels and demons drink free!’

Once the commotion died down Aziraphale finally felt comfortable talking again. ‘Why in the 6,000 years that we knew each other did you never mention you were once an archangel?’

‘‘Zira, Angel…’ Crowley took off his sunglasses, looking tired. Well, demons didn’t really get tired, he looked more weary. ‘You know I never meant to fall, I didn’t mean to disobey, and yet I still took a thousand light year dive into fire and brimstone. And being an archangel who fucked up so bad that I ended up falling without even really rebelling?’

‘You felt humiliated,’ Aziraphale finished for him.

‘So I can count on one hand how many people who know what I was. Lucifer and Amenadial obviously know, maybe Beelzebub. The other archangels know I fell but I changed so much in falling that they don’t recognize me, they just know theres a demon in hell who used to be their brother. Oh don’t look at me like that.’

Aziraphale tried to stop looking for sympathetic but he really couldn’t. He reached across the table and gently set his hand on Crowley’s

‘I know you hate me saying this, but you’re so much better than those demons in Hell. You have compassion and imagination and love…’

Crowley gave him a look.

‘… And so you may have fallen, but I don’t think you’ve fallen as far as you think you have.’

Crowley let out a long sigh. ‘Can we just get back to eating? Our food will get cold… or warm, or whatever, I’m hungry.’

Aziraphale smiled at him and picked his chopsticks back up. ‘So, Warlock and Adam are friends now, who would have thought?'


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some brotherly bonding

‘What’s the big deal?’ Lucifer asked as he pulled his arm from Amenadial’s grasp. They were back outside the restaurant near where a few valets were having a smoke break.

'You cant just crash a date, especially if it’s only to annoy them,’ Amenadial explained like he was talking to a four year old. 'People deserve privacy.’

'I cant believe you aren’t as curious as I am about our brother and his husband. I mean, a demon and angel, going on dates, being married!’

'I dated a demon,’ Amenadial crossed his arms. 'And I’m having a baby with a human.’

'You and Maze were a fling, that doesn’t count. And you’re not married to Linda.’

'I did ask her but she refused.’

'And why did she refuse?’

‘Because I was only doing it because of the baby.’

‘Right, so these two have every reason to not be together, and yet they decided to do it anyways.’

'Why are you so obsessed with this?’

'Why aren’t you curious? This is our brother, one of my highest decorated demons, and he loves an angel and an angel loves him. I want to know how that could possibly happen.’

'Lucifer, is this about you and Chloe?’

For a single moment Lucifer was too shocked to speak. 'Why would this be about that?’

'Because you make everything about your own problems. Linda saw us differently when she learned the truth and now Chloe knows. You’re worried that shes doesn’t see you the same way so you’re invading our brothers marriage to see if it’s possible for someone to know someone is a demon and still love them.’

Lucifer took a deep breath, but couldn’t find the right words.

‘Leave then alone, they just want to be together,’ Amenadial walked away from Lucifer, leaving him bewildered.

Much later that night, when Lux began to empty out and the stragglers were finishing their drinks, Lucifer was out on his penthouse balcony looking over the bright LA lights. Amenadial’s words swam through his head, almost making his miss hearing the elevator ding behind him. He waited for someone to say something, for Chloe to call out to him, for Amenadial to start questioning him again, for Linda to start an impromptu therapy session.

‘This is pretty nice,’ Lucifer turned to see Crowley coming out of the elevator. He was glancing around the penthouse, admiring the artifacts and books lining his bookcases and the full bar of top shelf liquor.

‘What are you doing here?’ Lucifer asked. ‘You’ve done nothing but try and get away from me since… forever.’

‘Oh, I’m not here because I want to be here,’ Crowley grabbed a decanter of whisky and a single glass, pouring himself a drink. ‘But Aziraphale wants me to talk to you and I just can’t say no to that bastard.’

‘Alright,’ Lucifer took the decanter from his brother and poured his own drink. ‘Why do you hate me so much?’

‘Um, last time we saw each other, you were 60 feet tall and very, very angry,’ Crowley took a swig. ‘Then you tried to have me executed.’

‘I was angry, I may have overreacted. Let’s put all that behind us.’

‘As long as I never have to go back to hell and never have to see Beelzebub ever again.’

‘Fair enough. So, what should we talk about? Amenadial usually talked about boring stuff like responsibility and honor. I hope you can be a little more entertaining.’

‘I can try,’ Crowley downed the rest of his drink. ‘You’ve been living on earth for a while now, right? Tell me your thoughts on the last season of Game of Thrones.’

They spend the next few hours passing the whisky between the two of them, fueling their tirades on hell and demons, both hell-born and from fallen angels, and the state of TV nowadays (which couldn’t even be blamed on Crowley, he stopped at reality TV). They rant on how upstairs stays ever silent on the evils humans create and then blame the Devil, and how people will answer their phone at the movies. By the time dawn comes around, they’re on the leather couch almost dozing off after finishing off several bottles of whisky.

‘You keep stealing credit for shit I did,’ Crowley brought up, mumbling through the alcohol. ‘Fuckin’ Will Shakespeare thanked you for helping Hamlet, but that was me, all me.’

‘You don’t even like Hamlet,’ Lucifer mumbled back. ‘And Beelzebub thought that helping a human was weird, so I told him you did it for me and visited old Willy to see what the big deal was.’

‘I did it for ‘Zira, not for you. He gave me those big angel eyes and I couldn’t say no.’

‘Well, thanks to you we got the Lion King, so thanks.’

‘No problem…’ Crowley closed his eyes and drifted off. Lucifer passed out as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided that this part takes place between Linda finding out shes pregnant and Eve coming into the picture. Also, work is being a bitch and I'm not getting much sleep so updates will start getting less regular.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally manage to write another chapter

‘Now really, Crowley,’ Crowley stirred as he slowly woke up to a familiar voice. ‘I’m alright with you not coming back to the hotel last night, but just look at you.’

He opened one eye and glanced up, seeing the face of his husband looking down at him.

‘Mornin’, ‘Zira,’ Crowley mumbled.

‘I don’t see any blood anywhere and the furniture is in one piece, so it looks like last night went alright,’ Aziraphale reached down and helped Crowley get into a sitting position and handed him some coffee. ‘Not nearly as good as the cafe down the street from the book shop, but it should help.’

Crowley looked around as he sipped on the coffee, noting the many empty bottles of whisky and Lucifer still sleeping on the other side of the couch.

‘He’s not the same person as the demon we saw at the airfield,’ Crowley sighed.

‘So he’s really changed?’

‘From what I see, he even has human friends.’

And speak of Lucifer, the elevator dinged and Crowley and Aziraphale turned to see Chloe walking in.

'Oh, hey Crowley,’ Chloe greeted him in surprise. 'I’m looking for Lucifer, hes not answering my calls.’

'I think he’s in a coma,’ he gestured over to his sleeping brother.

‘Were you guys hanging out last night? I didn’t think you would willingly spend and time with him.’

‘Yeah, we’ve come to an… Understanding,’ Crowley winced as he tried to get up and sat right back down as a jolt of pain went through his skull. Aziraphale reached out and stroked his hair until Crowley sighed and relaxed. ‘Thank you, Angel.’

‘I don’t think we’ve met,’ Chloe reached her hand out to Aziraphale. ‘I’m Chloe Decker, Crowley has been working with me on a case.’

‘Oh yes, the detective,’ Aziraphale shook her hand. ‘I’m Aziraphale, Crowley’s husband. It’s nice to finally meet you, he’s been telling me all about the case with you and Lucifer.’

‘Wait… I’m not sure if I actually want to hear the answer, but did Lucifer crash your date last night?’

Aziraphale sighed. ‘Yes, but thankfully he was forced to leave before he could cause a scene.’

‘Amenadiel dragged his ass out of there when he realized that Lucifer was harrassing a fellow angel,’ Crowley explained. ‘Although angels can back stab the same as any demon.’

‘Oh, so you’re an angel?’

‘Oh, yes, I forgot Crowley told me you know. Yes, I am an angel’

‘But… Wait…’ Chloe looked back at Lucifer, then to Crowley, then to Aziraphale. ‘Lucifer calls Amenadiel brother, and Crowley, because you all used to be angels together. And if Aziraphale is an angel too…’

‘Wait, no, no, no,’ Crowley got to his unsteady feet. ‘Luce and Amenadiel are my brothers because we’re all Archangels. Well, Luce and I were before we fell. ‘Zira is a Principality, so technically not brothers.’

Chloe slowly nodded her head as she started to understand the intricacies of celestial familial relations. She heard Lucifer stir and turned to see him sitting up looking confused at a blanket that had appeared on him.

'I dont own a tartan blanket…’ he mumbled to himself. Crowley smirked as he looked over at Aziraphale, who could only shyly look away.

'Nice to see you away,’ Chloe said to Lucifer as she walked over to him.

'Detective, what brings you over this…’ he glanced at his watch. ’… afternoon?’

'We got an anonymous tip on the Weisser case. It said that at the next auction, there’s going to be a fake lot that will be secretly holding a stash of drugs and the buyer will bid on it. We can use your donor status and Crowley’s connections to get inside and find the fake lot and then scope out it’s bidders.’

‘Do we know anything about the fake lot?’

‘No, and that’s a problem. All we know is that they’re all antique books.’

There was a beat, then Lucifer and Crowley looked over at Aziraphale.

‘Oh, wow, now this sounds exciting!’


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it totally did not take me a year to write this. I procrastinated for 11 months and then wrote it in one night.

‘Aziraphale? Am I saying that right?’ she asked him as they shook hands.

‘On the nose,’ he smiled at her.

‘And you’re an antiques book dealer?’

‘You could say that… I do more collecting than dealing. Once I have my hands on a dusty old tome I dread letting it go.’

‘We figure his expertise could help us with this auction coming up,’ Chloe explained.

‘If anyone could sniff out a fake antique, its ‘Zira,’ Crowley chimed in from the corner.

‘I just emailed you the lot book the Dowling’s sent me,’ Lucifer told Ella. ‘The fake might already be in there if they want it to look clean.’

Ella pulled it up at her computer and Aziraphale began to look through the list. He couldn’t help himself but make comments on the lots as he browsed, mumbling how many of them weren’t even first edition, let alone signed by the author.

‘Les Miserables has no business being published as one tome,’ he huffed. ‘Why couldn’t they just keep them as a book set? That was how they were supposed to be read.’

‘“Zira, we’re looking into a murder, not a lecture on 19th century literature,’ Crowley reminded him.

‘I know, I just get cross when people treat a single book edition as something special… wait a moment…’

‘What?’ Chloe walked over to look over his shoulder. ‘Did you find something.’

‘I found something indeed,’ Aziraphale smiled and turned the laptop towards her. ‘I found an impossible lot.’

‘’Lot 667, ‘The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Anges Nutter, Witch’ donated by A Z Fell and Co’. How can you tell it’s fake?’ Chloe asked.

‘Because ‘A Z Fell and Co’ is my store,’ Aziraphale explained. ‘And there is only one copy of Agnes Nutter’s prophecies and it belongs to a friend of mine who keeps it under lock and key.’

‘Wait,’ Lucifer tore himself away from his phone game to join in on the investigation. ‘So the fake book thats going to be used to smuggle drugs is listed under your store’s name and is supposed to be an extremely rare single copy that your friend happens to own?’

The room was punched in the face with a weird silence as the information began to sink in.

‘Do you have any enemies, Aziraphale?’ Chloe asked.

‘No- yes, well, some. A few. One or two.’

‘Look who his brother-in-law is,’ Crowley gestured to Lucifer. ‘Of course we have enemies! I have tons of people who would love to meet me in a dark alley with a sackful of bricks. And just because ‘Zira looks all clean and proper doesn’t mean he can’t be a right bastard when he needs to be.’

‘But none of them would get involved in… this sort of activity. It’s beneath them.’

‘Oh please, it was your lot who put created poppy flowers and cocoa plants on earth. Did you really think humans weren’t gonna try and eat them?’

‘We didn’t know humans would eat literally anything!’

‘Save the pillowtalk for later, we have planning to do,’ Chloe moved the laptop and pulled out a stack of papers. ‘While Lucifer covers the bidding on the fake lot, Crowley and I are going to talk to the Dowlings and their staff. We can narrow down the buyer and seller in one night. And maybe find out why someone would use Aziraphale’s business as a front for drug smuggling.’

‘I do feel rather peeved that someone would use my store’s good name to commit such a crime, but I still don’t believe one of my people could be behind… this.’

‘With how things have worked out for us in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned out to be a team effort between Gabriel and Beelzebub,’ Crowley muttered. ‘Or Raphael and Paimon.’


End file.
